Runescape: The search for Maeve
by Doctor-Fluffywolf
Summary: In the noob wars of 165, Haru lost Maeve to the noobs. Now, to find her, he's going to undergo a long journey, full of interesting characters and odd places, all culminating in a massive showdown. Also, there's pirates and shout outs. Read and Review!
1. Chapter 1

**Shouldn't it be fairly obvious that I don't own Runescape? It's far better off without me in charge.**

A year and a half ago_..._

_Physically: Haru is at least 6 foot five with long white hair with black tips and one long bloodred streak, a wolf's tail and ears, orange eyes the color of maple leaves in autumn. _

_Wearing: dragonhide duster, a breastplate made from dragon metal, along with blue jeans, knee and shoulder pads made from dragon, and his huge battleaxe, also made of dragon metal-hence the 'Axeman' part of his name. As a fighter, he likes to use a Rune Kiteshield. Expect many more weapons soon, including an anchor. I only say this cause I want it out of the way, and I can't put any illustrations of him here._

Haru 'Axeman' Daniels Nikolaievitch was covered with blood, and with more injuries than he could count. He could feel his muscles screaming in protest, the gradual disintegration of one of his ribs. An enormous bloody scar dripped blood all the way down his arm.

The point of this is, our main character wouldn't die. He didn't quit, and for the sake of his deceased friends that perished in the noob wars, he would not quit.

_This is for Quidsmark and Morgan,_ he thought, coldly breaking a noob in half with his enormous dragon battleaxe.

Perhaps I should back up a little. The setting is the small village of Rimmington and fighting the most terrifying of wars, a Noob War, at the Autumn Siege of Rimmington Barony, to be exact, with a coalition of the Lumbridge Royal Navy, the Asgarnian Marines, and a couple other peacekeeping forces, and companions. They consist at the moment of Maeve, Haru's girlfriend, who's of average height, with green and red hair,, Mishiku, purple hair, pale skin, 2 crossbows, purple gloves and boots, and red dragonhide, and Milakun, Mishiku's sibling. I'd say Milakun was brother or sister of Mishiku, but nobody could tell. Milakun wore a flowing black robe with gold trim, and could summon creatures like nobody else. There were several also people there, such as Haru's good friend, Mordred the Conqueror, a swordsman only matched by Haru, Maeve, and Dan, Haru's sister, primarily a ranged fighter.

Noobs were falling like flies, and Haru was kicking butt. Or tomahawking. And slicing. Or punching. I really don't care which, so long as it's synonymous with the word beating .

"Why did I start this gods-damned war?" Haru moaned, skewering several noobs with his battleaxe.

"Because you hate noo-GLAAAAAAAARGPTH!" a guy yelled.

Haru disarmed him. Literally. "I hate noobs, that much is true. I hate high levels and the cocky buttnuggets they usually are. But I do not hate low-levels. Dude, there's a difference."

Haru teamed up with Mishiku, busy gunning things down with his crossbows. The limbs were made of a distinct liquid crimson alloy. "Haru, you sly fox!" Mishiku grinned, shooting a gnomecopter down in just the right way so that it would plow into the armies like a bomb launched from space, taking several aviation machines with it. "These bow be alive! What you do, magick them?"

"Naw, ol' bud," Haru replied, cutting through 3 noobs with his axe, and cracking the skull of another with the flat of it. "I simply have access to every level of the Elemental Workshp. I can make specialized elemental weaponry, I can create incredibly light armor with remarkable tensile strength that takes the damage instead of you, but it needs repairs every 20 hours of use. And don't give me all the credit... Dani did much of the work."

"Ah, Dani..." Mordred said, slicing and cutting through n00bs with his sword, with the kind of speed and strength you only see in Manga. Mordred thought it was a secret to everyone-it wasn't-but he loved her. "Think there'll ever be a cure?"

"Yeah... Where she is, I hope she's all right..." Haru was cutting, kicking, and punching through several noobs.

Suddenly, a voice yelled out "I'm fine, you momzer!" Haru and Mordred ignored where it came from. About two seconds after the voice yelled, several noobs exploded.

"S'all good," Haru observed.

Suddenly there was a cry of "Hello, assholes!" and noobs were pelted with bombs. A rack of small spherical objects fell from it.

"Well," Haru grinned as the noobs exploded, "I am pret' dang glad we gave her all those parts." a noob pounced on him. He tomahawked it.  
"Aw crap," Dani muttered. He pointed. A dragon was flying toward the plane! A figure stood upon it, wearing a snail-shell helmet, an onyx bracelet, leather chaps, and a staff. This was the Baron of Rimmington, level 3, the one that forcibly turned it to an independent province, due to his incredible summoning skills, and an enormous band of followers with pike and rings of life. Worst of all, he was lethally nooby.

"Damn," Haru muttered, and pressed a button on the small, bluish-silver tube in his jacket. He stamped his foot, and shot up.

"Hey, arsehole!" Haru yelled, holding the second and third fingers from his thumb out, placing his thumb in between them. A large sphere of blue and white energy swirled around on it.

"What?" replied the not-quite threatening figure on the dragon.

"HARUSENGAN!" Haru yelled. The energy smashed into Baron.

"GLAAAAAH!" The Baron yelled. He flew off the dragon as its particles leaked into the Summoning Plane.

The aftermath...

"Thanks Haru," said Jack Ulbrecht, brown hair, six foot 5, 23, the Misthalin Port Authority's Port Sarim agent. "I've had this guy in my bingo book for a long while. Smuggling rum, a borg mill, and now this! I'll never understand what drives these men, or extremists like my dad!"

"You're no Johannus," Haru replied solemnly. "He fills good people with fear and hate, you fill bad people with fear, the law, and lots of pain. "

Port Authority officials were cleaning up the battle, and interrogating the surviving noobs about allied noob baronies, and any government secrets they knew of.

A splash in the surf, and a sense of wrongness that alerted them to something horribly wrong.

Then one of Jack's men yelled out: "Cap'n Jack! The Body is gone!"

"We are in sheep-dip now if that's what I think it is," Haru gasped.

"If your thinking its the baron, your assessment is an A+."

Then a horror emerged from the sea. Jack's men shot it with firestrike sticks. They slowed it down, but it walked toward Haru and Jack.

"Hello mortals," it rasped. "Remember me?"

Haru didn't at first glance. He didn't remember a creature like that and he wouldn't want to. Its hideous jaundice- skinned skull-like face consisted of hideous bulging veins, small oozing sores, and 2 evil-looking eyes on small stalks. Bloodred veins crossed the tall snail helmet. It was wearing tattered black dragonhide, and its jaundiced skin was a hideous combination of shell and flesh. A large growth, much like a large circular snail shell, sat on its back and went down to its legs a little. Its arms were covered in squirming tentacles, and above growths that might have once been hands, there were enormous pincers. It was like a man dressed up as a crustacean from hell.

Haru was about to remember, but Jack beat him to the punch. "Baron?" he yelled.

"That thing is the..." Haru gasped.

"I have a hard time believing it myself, but its true."

"That is not my name," the voice rasped. "I am the Slug Baron. I found this body lying on the beach. Not only can I take over minds... but I take all the body and leave none for the victim!"

"Damn you," Haru replied, cutting an enormous gash in the thing's chest.

"You've taken my victory away in the past and the future!" It rasped. "So I'll take something of yours... on orders. From your daddy, Haru."

It skewered Mishiku with the tentacles, and grabbed Mitchan and Maeve.

"You son of a-!" Haru yelled, raising his axe above his head.

But then, before Haru could slash it, it grew hazy and indistinct, and faded from view.

Then it reappeared, and Haru felt a stabbing pain in his right arm. Then nothing. Probably because it was lying on the roof of the general store. Oh well... it's prosthetic, so who cares?

"GODS DAMN YOU FLEISCHER!" he yelled. "I HAVE BEATEN YOU BEFORE, AND I SHALL AGAIN!"

"SH(censored) ON TOAST! WHY?" Dani yelled, right after him.

Soon after, among Haru and his friends all over Runescape who knew him personally, (it has to be said, that's a lot!) looked up to him as an authority figure, a solemn oath to find Maeve amd Mitchan was sworn.

**It should be mentioned that I have no idea how to pronounce "Maeve." I just picked it cause I'd been reading the Dresden Files, it sounded cool, and fitting for the plotline I have planned later. I forgot the disclaimer, and it should be fairly obvious by now that I don't own Runescape. And I assume direct ownership of Haru 'Axeman' Daniels Nikolaievitch. Also, there's a character named Haru in The Adventure through Runescape-At the behest of Mainiac 97, I want everyone here to understand that they should be treated as different people, especially if proven otherwise. Because of this, I'll make as much effort as I can to distance them and their respective universes.**


	2. Chapter 2

"As one can tell from the battle a year and a half ago, N00bs have resurfaced," one of the men of the wizards tower told Haru. "After their disappearance, people assumed they'd gone back to where they came from, just leaving newbs-their civil, yet not quite knowledgeable counterparts. These n00bs are lethal... and possibly the villains of the whole world. They allied with people who resented the civilization of the land."

Haru, looking through books on the subject of dimensional travel and information on some of the known planes of Runescape, said nothing.

"I believe, before the war, you pointed out: "Yes, the cities are mostly civilized, but they still have a poor part, Morytania is still dangerous-it will probably never be entirely purged, though. The point is, good friends, that this world isn't tamed completely-except in the delusions of those fools who believe that by removing the thugs and such from the wilderness, and accidentally releasing the Revenants from the scorched earth of the wilderness. They did destroy a large part of the world's criminal economy, though,.. but on the other hand, they caused the Great Exodus... in other words, Runescape is like the mythical Aslan-It's not tame. Simple as that, now don't bother me, I have to go see Abel Reckoning. Ciao!"

"Yeah, I did say that," Haru replied. "Of course, after I did, they left Runescape for other lands, giving away nearly all of their valuables. As is written in another book soon to come, known in Gielinor as "Ravencraft's Comprehensive History of Noobs":

_Then, on December 10, 2007, it all changed. Everything familiar-everything!-was ripped away. Many famous glitches and bugs-all little misfiring nerves in runescape were fixed. And that huge battle arena I told you about? It was gone. And replaced with incredibly overpowered ghosts known as Revenants. I really freaking hate those._

_Falador-a city made of bleached pale-white stone, home to major displays of chaos-was the first to show their discontent in what was arguably the biggest riot in the history of Runescape._

_This riot was big. It was mind-bogglingly big. People spammed, and covered up almost every inch of the screen. The forums were loaded with complaints and rants. Rare items-sold by quitters, usually high-levels who thrived on Pking-were common at the Party Room, allowing people to get items such as Dragon Chainbodies and abyssal whips in the blink of an eye. I don't do it justice-to see what it was really like, and get an impression of the awe-inspiring size, visit youtube or google "end of runescape"._

_People sort of died down, for a while, with many people trying to start up riots, again and again... _Other people, the roving Noob tribe, who were struck by the rising costs of items such as Rune essence, the immense crackdown on everything, the inability to scam, and the disappearance of bronze, began to disappear."

"Out of curiosity, why did they leave?" the wizard asked. "I think I know, but I'd like to hear the answer."

"Nobody knows," Haru replied. "Some say that there was a humongous battle of colossal scale, with resources made by the people whose businesses and livelihoods were destroyed. These people-the surprisingly large amount who didn't quit-are claimed to have taken a particularly large ship to Lumbridge, attempting to lay waste to that town, the place where all new travelers go. It's said the Pkers were driven far, beyond the stars. So were the n00bs, but exactly how this could have been done remains uncertain. Nobody knows what happened to them. Long after, a deformed-looking thing was found hanging upside down, bound by the feet, hanging over Juna's Chasm. On its chest, written in dried blood, it said "STAY AWAY FROM THE GARDEN OF THE SECOND SUN AND THE DOOR OF CALLABRAX". What the Garden of the Second Sun was, and who or what Callabrax might be was unknown. I believe I had said that he was engaged in a horrific battle on a planet known as "Callabrax", or "Counter-Gielinor," but it was destroyed horribly. It would be like the Wilderness now. Perhaps even worse. Rendered uninhabitable in the most serious sense of the word. Any habitation on its surface would be absolutely impossible without a breathing apparatus of the most powerful kind. The type so big you have to lug it around. Wherever, whatever, or whenever, attacks by noobs became commonplace."

"There is just one thing I don't get though. Why the hell are we both talking about this?" the wizard asked.

"Erm. I'm not sure. Did you feel the compulsion to tell exposition and backstory?" Haru asked back. Then his watch went off. "Eh? Oh look, it's time for that appointment with Elriss..."


	3. As urgent as hell

Haru Axeman was definitely not ordinary. He sure didn't look ordinary. I've described him already, so I won't bore you with the details.

At the moment, he was in the Runecrafting Guild, a pocket dimension of the wizard's tower, conversing with Wizard Elriss. It might have looked like a simple talk between an adventurer and a high-ranking wizard. In fact, it was a meeting that could make Haru even more money. Not that he needed it, but he participated in general moneymaking quests... he did, after all, need something to do.

"Okay. You'll sell your teleportation and runecrafting research to me... quite interesting research it is. Something about Abyssal dimensions, locations of actual altars, bi-rune fusion, binding necklaces, Abyssal wear and tear, teleportation, laws of Essence Empowerment and how to circumvent them... interesting. You discovered the laws of Runecrafting, how to efficiently create runes from more runes, and proved that you can't empower regular armor-yet you found out how to break that law?"

"Indeed I did. Well, Dani did half the work..." he saddened for a moment, then continued. "She figured out the last three things. I always sucked at that…"

Elriss scanned the notes a gain. "Interesting... Okay, here's about 250k. I think that'll be useful. Now, use my research to further this science, and find the Stone of Jas!"

"Someone beat you," Haru muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

"I see. Well, I still have one task for you-I have to have you triangulate a position for the Rune Vortex project at the Water Altar, so we may harness the power of the stone of Jas from here. No point to it really, but I also need you to test our combined research on it, perform some tests... that sort of thing."

Now, as most know, the dirt path I have dubbed "The Goblin Path" that starts behind the Lumbridge general store, winds past H.A.M. headquarters, and the jail, is one of the quickest ways to and from the wizard's tower, and to places such as the Water Altar, deep in Lumbridge Swamp. But it is also fraught with goblins. But this bold un-N00Bish warrior of an uncertain high level was willing to make the perilous-

Oh, come on, goblins in lumbridge are level 3! Haru could kill them with a flick of his finger!

Anyway, Haru walked down through Misthalin to the Water Altar. He stepped past the wall, walked past the overconfident adventurers(Who were, as simply put as possible, "Too damn cocky".) and into the swamp. Just as he got to the Water Altar-

"f4333z3, l00l0l0l00l0l0l0l00loloollol! Li3k, d0/\t /\/\0\/3 J00 \/\/0/\7 g37 hv47!"

"W00t 1337 IS TEH PWNAGE 11 h31l 1337!"

"D13 S4um!"

A gang of noobs appeared to have surrounded him. They had nothing but bronze daggers.

"This is the property of Revolution Outpost 13. Do not attempt to resist,"said a cold, spiteful voice.

Haru looked the guy over. Dressed in Barrows armor from almost all the Brothers and holding a huge Zamorak Sword, (the evil twin of the Saradomin Sword) not to mention wearing a bronze and dragon pendant, there was only one thing he could be:

An Overlord Pker, one of the ruling classes of the Wilderness Alliance. They were ex-pkers, not satisfied with the changes on Runescape... Haru didn't remember the exact date, but in Earth time it was 12/10/07.

_"_I really don't have the time for this," Haru yawned. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm one of the Pkers sent to kill you, Bloody Henry," the Pker said. "resistance is futile."

Haru backhanded him so hard he flew backwards over the altar and landed on his head. "Sie Verdamnten HuhnscheiBe. Sie Verdamnten HuhnscheiBe."

"What did you say?"

"I swore at you in German. I am part German, you know..." then...

Henry leapt at Haru, swinging his sword. Haru deflected it with his shield, and cut Henry diagonally across the chest. He threw a punch at Haru, which he easily dodged, then threw a punch of his own, sending Henry to the ground.

TWANG

Haru staggered from the n00b's bolt-thankfully not from a n00b cannon-and landed on the altar.

"Now, say goodbye!" Henry punched Haru. Repeatedly. "How do ya like that, you son of a-"

Haru caught the punch, and smacked him in the face so hard that he spun around for 20 feet and landed on his back. Then he felt something stabbing into him. Henry had pulled out a crossbow, and was sadistically grinning as he shot bolt after bolt into Haru.

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUAH (Bleeping) LITTLE MIND?" Haru yelled. "You do _not_ kill me with bolts! You just make me want to throttle you halfway to Sophanem!"

Haru punched him into the air, slashed him across the chest (diagonally, yet again), and, true to his word, threw him to Shantay Pass.

The noobs tried to fight Haru, They failed miserably. Couldn't even get within 'bout fifteen feet of him without getting hurt. Eventually, they just gave up, and called him a froob, accused him of cheating, and went off to kill goblins in the house across the River Lum.

With that said and done, Haru pulled several odd instruments out of his backpack and coat, and hooked them up to the altar. He turned knobs, applied a bit of percussive maintenance to them, and then pulled out a crystal ball with a flattened side, magically adjusting it with a small wand no more than ten inches made of burnished copper and steel so he could get a very specific picture.

Someone stepped behind him. "Whatcha doin?"

"Watching Furi Kuri while these instruments give a readout on something from the altar."

"What's Furi Kuri about?"

Haru turned around. "Hell if I know. If you wanna understand it, just watch all six episodes, and the desire just walks out the door."

"I know. I've tried, nii-san."

"Eh? Dani!" Haru grinned, jumping backwards. "You're okay, sis!"

"Well, relatively speaking… I'm still related to you, and there's still the issue of dealing with Callista, your-"

Haru looked at her.

"Right. That's one of those 'never speak of this again' things, isn't it? Anyway, I came to give you this letter… apparently, Sir Tiffy Cashien needs you for something urgent as hell. Apparently, several residents of the farms south of Falador have reported something akin to a large cockroach. But according to one guy, it was black and red, roughly two feet tall, with razor sharp limbs-"

"The way he described it, did the limbs remind you of necromorphs, just without the undeath?" Haru asked. He'd taken his eyes off the anime he'd been watching.

"Yeah. Just thicker than that sorta thing."

"I think we both know what it is, then," Haru agreed. "Gotta be a-"

At that moment, a small noise akin to an alarm clock rang in Haru's coat. "Eh?" he asked, pulling out what looked like a pocketwatch. He pulled out the metallic wand tool, then flicked something on it. An irritating yet soft noise issued from one end for a couple seconds, then Haru flicked the pocketwatch open, then scanned something there. "Eh? Sonovagun, it's Izzy! He's at the MacFitz Hotel on the Void Knight Outpost, and he'd like us to join him!"

**It's not a sonic screwdriver, by the way. Similar, but not quite. So, so long as it's not questions "did Haru pull out a Sonic Screwdriver," read and review!**


	4. It just might be

**There was actually a mini-arc originally planned here, but I figured that Pest Control, Quiet Before the Swarm, and some vague references to Daemonheim, and then a visit to Daemonheim (!) were more awesome. Another awesome thing I thought up was the field biologist, inspired by The Scar, a book by China Mieville.**

Haru stepped off the boat to the Void Knight Outpost, and then surveyed the area. It was very busy, stalls all around, adventurers of all species and armors, chatting and talking about their war stories.

But Haru and Dani-uninterested in offers to buy Haru's battleaxe or duster, sell Dani medical supplies and food, people pointing at the wolf ears on their heads-strode through the crowd to the MacFitz Hotel, one of the many buildings built at Pest Control for the purpose of giving adventurers temporary lodging. The promise of killing monsters in return for lucrative pay proportionate to your strength, and exp boosts which made you stronger in a certain area by leaps and bounds brought adventurers in at amounts rivaled only by the castle mountain Daemonheim, so lodging, and inevitably, bars, gambling houses, bookstores, and one scientific building were inevitable.

Dani stepped up to the window of the office, which looked like a stolen sewer grate made of cheap iron, just with thinner bars. "Hello. I received word that Izzy C. Reckoning was here."

The desk clerk looked at her blankly.

"Izzy Reckoning? You know, the Cobblestone Killer?" Haru explained.

"Oh! Him… yeah, he said someone like you would be coming, and asked me to give you a spare key," the desk clerk replied. "He's up in room 1919 with Clement Delarev."

"Wait. Clement's here? Wow, Izzy didn't tell me about that. Oh, we shall talk about so many things…" Haru grinned.

…

As both Haru and Dani knew, Clement was a field biologist. The uneducated man might compare him to Nickolaus, the Ardougne Zoo's man for capturing sparsely documented animals and bringing them to the zoo, but Clement Delarev was a class far above that. He had the knowledge of the best biologists in Runescape, and the strength and natural toughness to work in the field. He went to the areas most dangerous and unmapped, at risk of certain death, to bring back the preserved corpse of some great beast and all of his notes on it. Clement was also a great friend and adventuring companion of Haru, respecting his strength, knowledge of magical sciences, and runecrafting. Most importantly, Clement claimed Haru's knowledge of the beasts of Runescape was sufficient for them both to have an intelligent conversation.

Haru opened up the door, and Clement greeted him. Clement was a thin, black-haired man wearing a light dragon armor designed to take agility into account, and a harness carrying scientific equipment, various knives, pouches, arrows, a bow, and two-handed sword.

Sitting on the bed next to him, reading a book titled _Un Lun Dun, _was Haru's friend Izzy, a guy of average height with hair in varying shades of bronze. His dragonhide and combat robes were on a stand near the window.

"Great to see you guys!" Haru yelled, trying not to get pierced by the spikes on Clement's armor. "Why are you here, anyway?"

"I was at the Varrock museum, delivering the body of a warped tortoise, when I heard a fellow colleague's reports of monsters here scoffed at. So I came, to deliver the body of one of the monsters to them. After that, of course, I'm off to Daemonheim," Clement replied.

"Daemonheim? Cold damn!" Haru yelled. "You could make a shitting career off that place! I'm level 36 dungeoneering, I've investigated all of the frozen floors, I'm just starting to scratch the surface of the furnished floors, and I'm making a desperate bid to get there near the same time as adventurers like No Excuses and Fred McGarry, and I've still made a fortune there! I brought pictures with this Orb of Oculus… Daemonheim is old enough for the creatures down there to have come down a completely different evolutionary path than us, and because of it, scientific adventurers like us are making fortunes! The plants, the metal, the creatures, the very physics of the place! It's like whole 'nother world down there!"

"It just might be," agreed Izzy, carving a sigil on a stick a foot and a half long. "I mean, I'm a level below you, Haru, but I've seen things and heard stories that a madman wouldn't dare to dream of. There were floating eyeballs, mages that used books as weapons, undead of all kinds, forgotten warriors, and…"

"I'm better off not knowing, ain't I?" Haru asked.

Izzy nodded, and went back to his sigil. "Mark my words, Clement, and mark them well. Whatever you see, whatever you find here, nothing will be as much of a mind screw as Daemonheim. Now, if you asked Clement why he was here, why don't we ask you?"

"We're here on behalf of the Temple Knights," Dani told Izzy. "Apparently, a Pest has escaped to the mainland. It could be a huge cockroach…"

"Like from the abandoned prison under Edgeville? I don't believe they're able to dig far, and someone would have noticed," Clement replied. "In any case, we should visit the commanding officer here. I believe his name's Commodore Matthias…"


	5. We cannot rely on myths

**I don't actually like this chapter all that much. I seem to have a hard time transcribing all the dialogue from Quests into story format, and I have tried my best here without going into any detail whatsoever on the puzzles. Despite being an integral and fun part of the Quest, I do not want to ruin the fun of completing the fun of the puzzles in Quiet before the Swarm, especially the second one in said quest! It's a nice change from the sliding puzzles, which are...well, have you ever done Monkey Madness, Elemental Workshop III* or a Treasure Trail and came across a sliding puzzle that drove you absolutely bonkers?**

"So, Sir Tiffy tells you that there's a Pest here that could've escaped?" Commodore Matthias asked. "Impossible."

"Yeah. So what's it doing south of Falador?" Haru asked. "There's a grain of truth to every story, so what could've caused that?"

"We are the Void Knights," Matthias said. It wasn't so much a yell as it was vibrating and loud. "Only willingness could have let a single pest out! More importantly, if there is a pest near Falador, shouldn't you be investigating?"

"There are knights doing that already, and we're only here to see if the Pest came from here," Haru replied.

"I trust my subordinates!" Matthias yelled again. "If you want to waste time investigating, then see Captain Tyr. He knows every man, woman, and child on this island. If anyone can help you find a traitor-if there is such a thing!-it's him. He's a big bloke with floppy hair."

With that, the four walked out of the building.

"Yo," Haru greeted Tyr. "I was told that there were Pests loose south of Falador, and I'm here to investigate on behalf of the Temple Knights."

"I'd start by asking around," Tyr told him. "It's highly unlikely that anyone here would let a Pest escape. Just ask around the part of the island here, the Void Knight section, and see how far you get though.

At that, Haru, Izzy, Clement, and Dani set off to ask.

…

Izzy walked into one of the houses, and talked to Squire Sam. "Would you be Squire Sam? I've got some questions I'd like to-"

"I don't have any cake!"

"What?"

"They're acting suspiciously all of them! They want my Cake! The things from the portals all want my cake!"

"Have you considered that the cake is a lie?" Izzy asked.

The interview went downhill fast. Sam would only talk about cake, and all the Portal references that Izzy unwittingly would drop made everything worse. Eventually Izzy left Sam's house in disgust, looking for someone named 'Terry Gord' to interrogate.

…

"Excuse me, would you be Knight Diana?" Dani asked. "I've got some questions to ask. Has anyone been acting suspiciously around here?"

"Well, just my sister Ami. She's been really jumpy lately. She gets angry when I try to talk to her about it, saying that I'm too nosey." Diana paused. "I guess I am nosey, but she's my sister and I care about her!"

"Why would she be jumpy?" Dani asked.

"Well, some of my money went missing, but I don't see why that'd make her nervous…"

…

"Excuse me," Haru asked a blond girl wearing large goggles. "Would you be Jessika? There's some questions I need to ask."

"Ask away," Jessika replied.

"Have you seen anyone acting suspiciously?"

"No, I haven't been around to see anyone. My research has been… time consuming. Most of it takes place in the basement, so I don't see many people."

"Have you heard anything about a Pest escaping?"

"No! I haven't heard anything like that, have other people heard anything like that?"

_That talking quickly is never a good sign… _Then a light went on in Haru's head, interrupting whatever he was normally thinking about. _She's the one. She let the Pest go. _But, as well respected as a hunch was, you needed evidence. So, keeping his omnipresent light grin up, he pressed on.

"Your basement, eh? Aren't Void Knights usually out in the field?"

"Well, someone had to do research!" she yelled suddenly.

"So, this research… what is it about?"

"Communication with Pests," Jessika said brightly. "If we can talk to them, resolve things, we can create peace."

"Well, that's the best idea I've had in a long time," Haru answered. "But if I didn't read Jim Butcher, I wouldn't be skeptical. See, there was this monster called the Vord. It survived by devouring the populations of worlds, then moving on to another by creating an interdimensional drop-chute. The Vord would remorselessly eat entire worlds until they had swallowed all of its resources to the point of no return. People could ally with the Vord… but they'd get eaten in the end."

"Pests are intelligent creatures! They would be able to settle peace if we could just talk to them!"

"It was you," Haru said.

"What?"  
"You let the Pest escape to the mainland. You're showing sympathy, and you're obviously hiding something."

"I did not! And escape is a subjective term, what if it was more like… freeing?"

"You essentially just told me you did it," Haru replied. "Now, I think I'm gonna present my findings to Captain Tyr and Commodore Matthias. "You did what you felt was right, and I respect that. But letting a Pest escape is serious business."

…

"Jessika, the Druids have developed a potion that transfers an investigator into the mind of the accused. We are going to use this on you, to determine whether or not you are guilty," Commodore Matthias told her.

"I will be gentle, I promise," Haru told her. "I'll tread lightly, and by the time I'm done, it'll be like I was never there."

"What made you think to do that?" Jessika asked.

"Because, in books by Jim Butcher, there's a mind magic technique that-" Haru paused as if to consider something. "On second thought, you're better off not knowing."

Izzy looked around. "Trust him. I read the same books, and you really don't want to know."

Then Haru disappeared. Clement would later say he really wished he hadn't seen the teleportation process. As a scientist, it was fascinating, but some things are just really disgusting.

Then-in faded sepia tones- they saw an image of Jessika, saying "I hope he's okay, professor Melville said he would be…" the image of a pest flew by.

"No! We separated him from the Hive Mind, taught him to think independently, there's no reason for you to kill him!" Jessika yelled.

"Jessika, I am sorry," Matthias said in a way that left it ambiguous as to whether he was sorry Jessika had developed friendship with a Pest or that he had to do this, "But all your research will be outlawed jointly by the Wizards Tower and the Magic Guild, and this pest will be hunted down and killed."

"Before it is killed, make sure it is separate from the Hive Mind, though. It goes against all my morals for someone to kill a creature that has broken free of its evil nature," Haru put in. He looked at Jessika. "I'm not quite sure I believe her, but it's worth a shot."

"I'll do it, then," Matthias told Haru. "If the fighting could stop, that'd be a great thing indeed. Bernard, Korasi, Ami, Diana, Mikhal, and I will leave for Port Sarim tonight. We'll bring weapons, because if this Pest has managed to exist south of Falador without the notice of adventurers, it must be cunning and powerful indeed."

"We could try to find the Valluta, sir," Knight Bernard suggested. "That would compensate for every single weapon in our arsenal. I've heard some of the older knights telling tales of it. They said it was able to destroy pests on sight, just like squashing a bug with your toe."

"We cannot rely on myths, soldier. We can only rely on ourselves," Matthias told him. "We sail tonight."

The knights departed.

"What's the Valluta?" Izzy asked.

"It's said to be an incredibly powerful weapon from the early days of the void knights, but I think it only represents our desire to lay down arms. A weapon that can close portals and destroy pests on sight? Impossible."

"What I believe about it though, is that it's more like kryptonite, or silver for vampires," Haru replied. "It's not deus ex machina, it's just really effective against whatever plane the pests come from."

"That seems far more likely," Matthias agreed.

"There's just one thing eating at me though. Why leave right now, for the night?" Haru asked.

"It'll be quicker to get to Port Sarim, with the night winds," Matthias said.

"Yeah. But it's convenient somehow. Almost like a poorly written plot device, leaving us all open for a horrible attack from Pests…"

**Really. Considering what Haru said, do I really need to tell you what will happen next? Also, the asterisk next to EW3... I read a review on it by an adventurer who, like me, likes puzzles. Except Sliding Puzzles. He said he hated them, and three in one quest... there's such a thing as too much puzzle. Quiet Before the Swarm, however, got the "Quest made entirely of puzzle" formula right.**


	6. Believe in the me that believes in you

**A/N: I realize that _A Void Dance _was released today, and that it fits into the storyline here. However, I am not going to look at the guide on the Runescape wiki just so I can extend this arc. I think I'll put it after the Daemonheim arc coming after this, and I really do not want to know what happens in the quest until I finish.**

…

As fate and genre-savviness would have it, Haru was right.

"Get out of bed, you arseholes!" he heard a voice yelling.

"Don't you hate it when you're right about things like this?" he asked, pointing at the fourth wall of the hotel room he shared with Clement, Dani, and Izzy. With that, he pulled on his normal atttire, dropped some things into his coat pockets, briefly considered putting on a hat and ditched it in favor of emergency lycanthropy, strapped on his dragon breastplate and shoulder armor, then shook his head like a dog.

"This is a f***** emergency, all of you! GET OUTTA BED!"

…

The lander was crammed with adventurers of all shapes, sizes, and species, "Bring on the Pests!" one yelled. "We've destroyed them before, we'll do it once again!"

"A pest attack at night?" asked a man wearing a black mask from the eastern sea, and armor from the God Wars dungeon. "Call me paranoid, but I think they're getting smarter."

"I noticed," the lander's Void Knight agreed, running a finger through her hair. "They're getting more acquainted with the land here. I volunteered for the night shift, but it's understaffed and poorly equipped. It's just asking for something bad to happen."

The boat continued on at a steady pace, the arcane auxiliary engines of the lander propelling them towards the outpost which had sent out a distress signal. The adventurers there all sat against the benches and leaned against the walls, reading books, skill guides, maps, and journals from Daemonheim.

Haru was doing the former reading something entitled "Plane-Freezer Lakhrahnaz". Other ominous-sounding names for monsters were near the chapter interface on the floating book-shaped holographic interface projected from his ring. He sipped from a black bottle he pulled from his coat, then drank some more. "Ah, 'nother Pest Control match," he observed. "We get bonus points for responding now, and then we can all go back to-"

There was a wordless scream of pure noncomprehending shock and horror from the crows nest of the lander, and all the adventurers on the top of it. "OY! Void Knight, what's your name?" the man in the crows nest yelled.

"Alice," the void knight replied. "Why?"

"Well, Alice, when you said it was asking for trouble to have an underequipped night shift, you got your wish," the guy in the crows nest said. "I've not seen so many pests at any moment in my life."

"How bad could it be?" the guy in the black mask asked.

"You'll have to see it to believe it," the guy in the crows nest replied. All the adventurers that could get up there squeezed onto the top level, and their expressions were a study in shock and horror. The nearby landers were, from what Izzy could tell, the same.

The outpost the Void Knights had set up was completely overrun. There were pests everywhere, and the portals were bloated and swollen from the vast numbers of Pests there.

"It's settled," Alice the Void Knight agreed. "We're screwed."

At that moment, it seemed as if all hope was lost. They needed the Valluta for a job like this, and it was long gone. No way in hell could they finish this without the help of a minor god.

"Well, at times like this, there's only one thing to do," Haru. There was a smile on his face, a red glint in his eyes and on a pointy thing he was pulling out of his coat.

"Groovy," Dani observed. "A motivational speech. Been a while since you gave one of those."

Haru pulled the red thing out of his coat, and held it out. "This, my friends, is a **K**razy **A**wesome **M**otivat**I**o**N**al **A**pparatus."

"It looks to me more like pointy red glasses," Clement replied.

"They are! But everyone knows that whoever wears glasses of this sort becomes instantly manly and capable of making awesome speeches!"

"I'm not sure that'll work…"

"You never know until you know," Haru grinned, pulling out what looked like a vaguely L-shaped wand a foot and a half long with nickel plating and a curved teak grip. He pointed it up into the air, and there was a loud bang. Everyone looked up, and Haru jumped up onto the highest point of the lander, so that the people on all three landers could see him.

"Listen to yourselves!" Haru yelled, pulling on the 'red pointy glasses.' "Who the hell do you think I am? Who the hell do you think you are, all of you? We're adventurers, dammit, and we haven't lived this long and prospered by running in the face of long odds! A true adventurer, one with a soul of great courage, true grit, and utter badassness will meet whatever enemy fate pits against him, and take it head on!"

"He's so manly!" Alice said under her breath, observing the pointy glasses.

"None of us could have seen this coming! It shocked me, sure, but any shock and horror we feel comes second to the world, so I am going right now to destroy all that, and I don't care how many of you follow me! Do you believe I can do it?"

The adventurers and void knights on the boat cheered.

"I believe in all of you, then. If you believe in the me that will destroy the pests and save the world, then I believe in the you that will perform better, if not equal to me." Haru grinned. "Are any of you proficient at water spells? i.e, do you use death runes for it?"

A couple mages on each boat raised their hands. A few others muttered about how they could use chaos runes.

"That certainly works," Haru said approvingly. "I also need about ten people who can inflict a lot of damage in a short amount of time. Preferably someone with a large weapon, whose power isn't focused to just one spot."

The adventurer with the black mask pulled a Saradomin Godsword out of nowhere, followed by a man in full dragon, holding a dragonfire shield and a chaotic longsword, a woman with a chaotic maul, and two mages, one female and one male in Abyssal and Zuriel Equipment, holding smoke and lava staves. A piratical-looking man with a long, thin runite sword, a spirit shield, and an anchor on his back followed, explaining that he was not only a fast fencer but proficient with an anchor, and introduced himself as Theobal D. Fergus. In order of appearance, the adventurers introduced themselves as Jack Dessoms, Moira Coldwine, Herral Goldsmith, Emma Farallin, and Jorrn42.

"This time, we're gonna put an end to it," Haru grinned. "I'll help with the giant wave."

"You know, I never would've thought you were good at strategy," Izzy pointed out.

"I'm not, really. Anyone can beat me at chess. But what I'm good at is dynamic entry. And breaking some heads."


	7. Go Forth And Rock!

The hive intelligence of the Pests was able to do many things. It could create creatures of odd kinds, make portals to other dimensions, and strip entire worlds to the metaphorical bones. It was unable to recognize the term "Hello, jackasses!"

…Which was what Haru was yelling as he jumped off a boat that was riding a massive tidal wave into the outpost, ramming a battleaxe into a shifter's head. "MAN ON FIRE FLAMING CHARIOT KICK!" Haru yelled, foot crushing a shifter's head, then pulling his battleaxe out of another shifter's head, then using it to cut through more shifters.

More adventurers fell to the ground, and-in one fell swoop-nearly a fifth of the Pest army had been obliterated.

As he pulled out the nickel-plated revolver he had used to shock everyone into getting out and breaking some heads, he noticed one thing.

It really freaking hurts if you get hit with a chaotic maul. One shifter had been hit with it, and all that was left was a green mess. Moira truly was impressive.

The reflection was interrupted by a defiler shooting thorns at Haru and Alice. He ducked, in the process de-legging a shifter with his battleaxe, jumping up, opening his coat, and having the thorns fly in.

"Was there any point to the ducking?" Izzy asked. He was magically raising the cobblestones from the Void Knight's pedestal, then firing them at machine-gun speed at ranging monsters over the gate. One of the archers in the turrets was being menaced by a shifter, and one of Izzy's launched bricks flew through the air, knocked the shifter out of the tower, and sent it falling to the ground.

"No, it just looked cool," Haru replied. "Here's your f****** thorns back!" he opened his coat again, and a barrage of more thorns than anyone could conceivably assume to fit in Haru's jacket flew out, like some backward rain, "YEAH, ARSEHOLES!"

All of the thorns and the bullets from Haru's revolver shredded many of the defilers over the fence. A shifter appeared next to him, and Haru blew its head off with the last round.

He reloaded, and went back to cutting apart a shifter.

"What kind of magic did you-" Theobal asked incredulously, stabbing out a shifter's eye.

"It doesn't matter, only that it worked." Haru replied. Then he yelled "RRRAAAAAAA-AAAAAAARGH!" and was surrounded by red and green flames. Shifters caught in the flames burnt, and Haru ripped through every single one of them, unmindful of the damaging hitsplats they inflicted on him.

A fireball incinerated another shifter. "This enough?" Moira yelled at Haru.

Haru nodded, which Moira was somehow able to notice. "NOW GO FORTH AND ROCK!" Haru screamed.

With that, every adventurer on the landers roared and jumped off, running onto the outpost to rip through pests. Weapons both holy and unholy were drawn, prayers to Gods known and obscure were yelled out, and a hell the Infernal Dimensions couldn't begin to match broke loose.

Haru effortlessly disarmed a Defiler which had been attacking him and inflicting damage that would be lethal anywhere else, then sent its head flying into the water. "YAAAAAAAAAA!" he yelled, then crushed a Shifter's head. "Theobal, Herral, Jack, Moira, Jorrn, Emma, Izzy, Clement, and I will defend Alice! All of you, kill the portals and leave no Pests without broken skulls and vital parts splattered all over the ground!"

"A bit long-winded, but it'll do Haru!" yelled a female adventurer with long braided hair.

Haru didn't have time to question how she knew his name. What he did have time for, though, was defending himself, killing shifters and blowing large holes in Defilers over the fence. He did it with pride, and the platform was splattered with greenish fluid.

A torcher fluttered through one of the broken gates, shot a fireball at Haru, dissipating on the shoulder of his coat. Haru pulled back the hammer on his revolver, then emptied one of the chambers into the Torcher's mouth, exploding the pyrotic gas and vaporising many of the nearby monsters.

Then he heard a scream, and he saw two women-one familiar, one he'd never seen before-attacking one of the larger pests, and barely blocking thorns from a defiler. Haru rushed over, and cut through the defilers with the axe, then punched through the Pest's leg. It toppled to the ground.

"Callista, what the hell are you doing here?" Haru asked one of the women. She was a little more than a foot shorter than Haru, with an untidy braid of hair ranging from reddish brown, to dark brown, to black, to brass, to coppery. Even with the difference in their color of hair and different skin tones, they could easily pass for relatives. He realized that she'd been the one who'd said his threat was long-winded.

"Is this guy related to you?" asked the other woman, flicking some blood out of her blue hair.

"Well… yes. Kind of. No. it's complicated," Haru responded.

...

"EAT THIS!" someone yelled, crushing a pest's head with their Granite maul.

For a battle where the humans were almost certainly going to be curb-stomped, it was going very well. Blood was spattered all over the ground, and more of it was pest than human. In the small courtyard area below them, Clement was gleefully dissecting pests with his long, thin sword, presumably taking notes with his photographic memory.

Someone ran up to the platform with a brawler on their tail, carrying some logs. Izzy levitated a brick, preparing to throw it at the brawler, but Haru stopped him. "Brawlers are impassable! If we get every other melee pest behind it, then Alice's in the clear!"

Haru smashed a pest's head in with the battleaxe, then shot at a large blue brawler. It lumbered over, and came up the steps to the platform, about to strike at the Void Knight.

"Earth Effigy!" Izzy yelled, summoning up a vaguely person-shaped mass of rock to block the brawler. "Get to the purple portal, all of you! I don't think I can handle this much longer!"

Haru looked at Theobal, Callista, Clement, Moira, Jorrn, and Herral. "Come on, you bastards, ya wanna live forever?" Haru yelled, running at the purple portal, ignoring the thorns and fireballs that kept hitting him.

Then a man in gravite-or what Haru assumed to be gravite-ran towards them from the east.

"I don't know who you are, but you can certainly hel-"

"YARK!" Clement yelled as the man's rapier pierced an unarmored portion of his body, near his hip.

"Awright, who the hell are you?" Haru asked.

"N-zero-zero-b Commander Thokgur, commisioned by Noob Commander Fleischer to take this outpost and harness the Pests," he growled. "Though I don't suppose that matters, seeing as you're all going to die anyw-"

"Aw, shaddap!" Haru yelled, punching Thokgur in the face, in the process knocking his helmet off. "If you work for Fleischer and you have Daemonheim armors, then I think this proves one thing, really-"

"Yes, yes it does," Clement interrupted, pulling himself to his feet. "You can't be in Daemonheim, only that what you're wearing is an exceptionally well-made fake."

"Wha-"

"I mean seriously. You're noob commanders, for Saradomin's sake! Have some dignity instead of wearing those cheap goddamn replicas!"

"We do not have Maeve at Daemonheim!" Thokgur shrieked.

Haru paused. "Where, then? Somewhere far, far away that us _Noobish High-levels _can't get to?"

"That's right, the Eastern Sea! You can't possibly-"

"MY HOUSE IS THERE, YOU IGNORANT JACKASS!" Haru shot him, and carved through the armor with his battleaxe. "Cold damn. Either gorgonite's seriously weakened outside of Daemonheim, or this battleaxe is really good dragon."

He was too busy to notice the Pests and the other man in Daemonheim armors behind him...


End file.
